It is of no benefit for me to put on a facade that I have it all together. I think I’ve always known that from the begining but it was made very clear to me today after last night’s apprehensive post. I might be putting myself in a vulnerable position by publicly expressing my doubts and fears, but by doing so, beautiful things have happened. Prayers have most certainly gone up on behalf of Nora and myself and because of that, it was a much better day. So many of you wrote to me with such comforting words either in the comments, by Facebook or e-mail. Your words got me off on the right foot this morning and have continued to sustain me throughout the day.

Although it might seem like my family is amidst our own personal trial, I clearly see it’s not just OURS. I’ve shared Nora through this blog before we even knew who she was, gathering quite a following! Based on the 3000 average hits that my blog gets every day, and all of the blessed comments – it is very clear that Nora has captured the hearts of many more people than just her family’s. Yes, we are definitely on a roller coaster ride here. Lots of big hills, loops and turns. I was reminded in a comment today to turn around and look at all the people in the cars behind us. Wow, is that a cool image!! Thank you so very much for getting on this ride with us, for laughing with us and crying with us. I’m not sure where this ride is taking us, but I can’t help but think it will be someplace awesome. God is right there in that first car with His arms up, ready and aware of each approaching twist and turn. Stay focused on Him and He’ll show us the way.

Every valley shall be filled in,
every mountain and hill made low.
The crooked roads shall become straight,
the rough ways smooth.
(Luke 3:5 NIV)

So much time has gone by where Nora has been doing exceptionally well. It’s easy to trick myself into believing these days will never end. My blood runs cold to think they could, which is just my stupid thoughts getting too far away from me into the unknown future. She’s been extraordinarily fussy all day today and on into the evening. Her oxygen saturation levels are reading low into the 70s at times, according to the pulse-ox machine — but not sure if they are reading in error. I feel like puking right now as I write this. How could I possibly take another breath without this baby? I just want life to be NORMAL. I hate being tied to the living room with her.We do get out from time to time, special outings, walks, and even a VACATION, which I am so thankful for!! Those are rare occasions though. I want to regularly take her to the zoo. I want to take her to the swim club. I want to take her on picnics. I want to take her up to have lunch at the kids’ school. Hell, I’d be excited to be able to take her to the damn grocery store. The weight of all of this uncertainty is so heavy tonight. I’m tired and overwhelmed, longing for all of the yesterdays that I totally took for granted. And of course I’m sitting here thinking about how “unfair” all of this is when William informs me that there are three birds sitting out in the tree in the back yard. Of course there are. God is
I RIGHT. HERE. WITH. US. I get that, but that doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing from here on out. When life hurts like it does, its all the more likely that I’ll go running to God–His arms already open ready to catch me.

We managed to get a little cake with candles on the table for poor Greta and sang Happy Birthday to her. The dam holding back the tears had already broken by the time bed time rolled around. I hate that my sweet little 7 year old had to see me crying, especially on her birthday. For as young as she is, she is the most compassionate, empathetic, tender-hearted little girl I have ever known. I wish things were “normal” for her and for Gavin too.

Note to self:

We pray that you’ll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.
(Colossians 1:12 MSG)

It’s never felt so good to climb into bed as it does tonight! I feel like Jello after a surprise visit from a massage therapist! Our dear friend Ginger arranged for William and I to be the lucky recipients of a pair of massages! After a day like today, that was nothing short of awesome!

We celebrated the birthdays today with the family. I’m so thankful for all of the help from my parents and my mother in law. My parents helped out with the food and my mother in law took great care of Nora while I scrambled to get the house cleaned up and ran to the grocery store for some odds and ends. Going to the grocery was the last thing I wanted to do, but I’m so glad I went at that exact time that I did. By doing so I got to meet Suzie L. in the ice cream aisle. She recognized me from the blog. Besides saying hello, she made me feel very loved. I drove home with a smile on my face, remembering that life is too precious to be flustered about a birthday party!

The party went off without a hitch… Well, except for the patio chair cushion/dog pee incident. (Er eh hem.) *wink*

Pictures from today:

Hi, Brudder!

Hi, Oma!

A sweet picture of Oma

Wish makers

I wish for milkies!

Present tense

All this partying makes me sleepy!!

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
(Galatians 5:23 MSG)

Not only did Gavin and Greta start school this week, but now it’s their birthdays bookshelving the weekend. This week of August is almost worse than Christmas for us. There is lots of planning, parties and presents all over the place. Needless to say, we’ve been a little busy over here! Things should settle down again in a couple of days, at which point I will have the time and energy to write more. Nora is doing very well and is as sweet as ever! Cardiologist appointment Thursday morning.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. (Psalm 62:5 NIV)

I always have great intentions of expounding upon a brief blog post the next day – but that never seems to happen. After the kids were off to school Nora and I went back to sleep until almost 11! That was so nice! The rest of the day was spent chatting with Nora and taking orders. 

She still only orders the milkies, preferably soy. When she took her naps I was busy trying to bring some sort of semblance to this place.

We’re planning on celebrating Gavin & Greta’s birthdays this weekend, which is a great excuse to purge this place of clutter. I. Hate. Clutter!

We had a simple celebration of sorts for Gavin this evening, as it was his actual birthday and Nora’s 4 month birthday!! Jimmy John’s sandwiches, a little ice cream cake, and a couple of presents along with a visit from Nana & Papa made it a fun night!

Nana & Papa came over this evening to keep an eye on aaalllll these kids while William and I went to the Jim Gaffigan (comedian) show!  Hil.Ar.I.Ous!!!!!!! It was so refreshing to get out! We had a great time. It felt really good to LAUGH for an hour and a half straight!! Thank you sooo much, Joe C. for the tickets!!

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter
and your lips with shouts of joy.
(Job 8:21 NIV)

Greta finally had her first day of school today!

Nora accompanied the big kids up to the bus stop.

It was different being home again without them. Very quiet… Nice and relaxing! But I did miss them!

Nora and I had some extended cuddle time, a nice long relaxing bathies and a couple of walks up the street to see the big kids on and off of the bus. She did have a couple of long naps today that allowed me to put some semblance to our disastrous garage!

I will write more tomorrow! Goodnight for me and hopefully good morning to you as you are reading this!

It was the first day of school for the big kids. Unfortunately, Greta had some belly issues, do she missed her first day.

It was nice to have an extra day with just the girls, however.

I think Greta is ready to start tomorrow! I hope! She was very upset to have missed her first day!!!!

The above picture of sweet Nora is about how I feel right now after our 4 mile walk this evening! It’s been long day and I’m calling it a night!

Let us discern for ourselves what is right;
let us learn together what is good.
(Job 34:4 NIV)

It is during my moments of deepest despair that I find myself clinging to my faith, desperate for the peace and comfort that I can only seem to get from God. Then as things settle down and become status quo I find that my spirituality regresses back to it’s former state of reduced priority. Unless I make the conscious effort to nurture my relationship with God, it will fall by the wayside, as it goes with any relationship. It is clear to me why God would allow us to go through trying and tragic circumstances. He wants to be in a relationship with us. He wants to be able to comfort us as only He can. Because He gave us free will we can make the decision to go through a crisis with Him or without Him. I’ve been through enough without Him to realize the benefit of prayerfully relying on Him. Trying to get through the hard times on my own seem to be what I imagine it would be like to drive a car without a steering wheel. The car will roll along just fine while the road is smooth and straight, but throw in a few curves, pot holes, squirrels, steep hills and detours and I’ve got myself into quite a predicament. I can either slam on the brakes and go no where, missing out on the journey altogether, or I can go careening off the road into a blazing inferno. I think I’d just rather have the steering wheel!!! And perhaps God ought to be the one driving. Really, He’s the one who knows the way – not me. There are the days where I’d much rather He’d stop with all the hilly back roads and just get onto the highway. But if He did, I’d have missed so much. I trust He knows where He’s taking me, so I’m going to roll my window down and enjoy the beautiful scenery along the way. Scenery that looks back at me with such sweetness and smiles.

“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the Lord ;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
(Isaiah 40:3-4 NIV)

Nora and I had the day to ourselves as William and Gavin and Greta spent the day at King’s Island with Sophie! It sounds and looks like they had a ton of fun!

While I wish I could have joined them, it was nice to catch up on some sleep while Nora napped. I was also the recipient of some pretty sweet smiles (and mood swings).

I smile one second...

and seconds later I'm angryyyy!!!

Later in the evening I was afforded the privilege of getting out of the house to attend the Open House at Gavin and Greta’s new school. Gavin and Greta have once again ended up with great teachers! Thank you so very much, Matt S. for coming to stay with Nora so I could do that! You’re awesome!

Recently I was recalling an instance that will forever remain etched in my memory. I remembered how the hairs stood up on my arms and the tears spilled down my cheeks when it happened. It was one of the first and most incredible God hugs I have ever had (or bothered to notice). I guess this one was so blatant and so bold that there was no missing it. It was December of 1994. A dear friend of mine had recently passed away. His name was Jon. We were in an art class together in college and had struck up a friendship over each of our adoption stories. Jon was adopted from Korea and shared with me his perspective on being an adoptee. Having recently become a birth mother, he lightened my heart by giving me the reassurance that I did indeed make the right decision. And perhaps my perspective as a birth mother gave him the comfort and reassurance that his own birth mother certainly must have loved him too. He was such a sweet friend and I still miss him and think about him all these years later. Shortly after his funeral I was back at work. I was walking downtown on my way back from lunch thinking about Jon and in a state of sadness over his passing. “If you really are in a better place, Jon, please, please send me some sort of sign,” I pleaded. Instantly, a man walked out in front of me from a parking garage. He was wearing a black satiny jacket with red embroidery on the back which read, “DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY!” Speechless!!

Saturday at the Cheesecake Factory, Sarah happened to notice the wording at the bottom of our receipts.

You’d expect it to say, “Eat more cheesecake.” or something? But instead, “Don’t worry, be happy!” And that Sarah noticed it and pointed it out to me, as if though it were somehow personally meant for me.

This evening at the Open House… I was walking into the building past the celebratory ice cream truck parked out front. Of course you know the song that was dancing from its speakers….

Don’t Worry. Be Happy.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. (Ecclesiastes 3:12 NIV)

It was my baby sister Emily’s “makeshift” bachelorette party yesterday. Emily, Sarah, our Mom and myself created some masterpieces at the Mad Potter, got pedicures at Mitchell’s, had a brief shopping interlude, and then dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. One sister (Sarah) is carting around a Zofran pump to ease her extreme nausea gravidarum (morning? sickness) – and the other sister (me) has been mentally weatherbeaten over the past year. You should have gotten married when you were 21, Emily. Your sisters were a lot more “fun” back then!

Sarah's bachelorette party 2004

Not to say we didn’t have fun yesterday!! I had an awesome time, and I hope you did too, Femily!

Meanwhile, William and Nora were holding down the fort.

I'll just hold down the milkies. That's it.

Papa came over for a little bit and then took the big kids swimming.

Gavin rock climbing

Today was equally as busy! We celebrated Oma’s birthday with brunch this morning. Happy Birthday, Oma! We love you!

The birthday girl

Nora cuddling with Aunt Sarah

Keira, Greta, Gavin, Gracie

Pretty girl!

I can be a flower girl too! See?

We came back home, and hung out for a little while.

And then I took Gavin and Greta to the swim club for a late afternoon swim and pizza. I LOVE that Gavin placed our pizza order under the name of “Batman”. When it was ready they called over the loud speaker, “Batman? Your order is ready.” We couldn’t stop laughing!! We shared our pizza crust with THREE sparrows!

Once back home Nora and I went on an evening walk. We did almost 2 miles until Nora put in an urgent request to come home. Daddy had to come get us in the car as we were a little over a mile away from home. She wanted the rest of her order that I forgot to bring with me.

You wait just a minute, Mommy!!! I'm BUSY!!!

The big long busy weekend continues on into tomorrow – William and Sophie are taking Gavin and Greta to King’s Island!! Nora and I wish we could come! 🙂

Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. (Jude 1:2)