So much time has gone by where Nora has been doing exceptionally well. It’s easy to trick myself into believing these days will never end. My blood runs cold to think they could, which is just my stupid thoughts getting too far away from me into the unknown future. She’s been extraordinarily fussy all day today and on into the evening. Her oxygen saturation levels are reading low into the 70s at times, according to the pulse-ox machine — but not sure if they are reading in error. I feel like puking right now as I write this. How could I possibly take another breath without this baby? I just want life to be NORMAL. I hate being tied to the living room with her.We do get out from time to time, special outings, walks, and even a VACATION, which I am so thankful for!! Those are rare occasions though. I want to regularly take her to the zoo. I want to take her to the swim club. I want to take her on picnics. I want to take her up to have lunch at the kids’ school. Hell, I’d be excited to be able to take her to the damn grocery store. The weight of all of this uncertainty is so heavy tonight. I’m tired and overwhelmed, longing for all of the yesterdays that I totally took for granted. And of course I’m sitting here thinking about how “unfair” all of this is when William informs me that there are three birds sitting out in the tree in the back yard. Of course there are. God is
I RIGHT. HERE. WITH. US. I get that, but that doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing from here on out. When life hurts like it does, its all the more likely that I’ll go running to God–His arms already open ready to catch me.
We managed to get a little cake with candles on the table for poor Greta and sang Happy Birthday to her. The dam holding back the tears had already broken by the time bed time rolled around. I hate that my sweet little 7 year old had to see me crying, especially on her birthday. For as young as she is, she is the most compassionate, empathetic, tender-hearted little girl I have ever known. I wish things were “normal” for her and for Gavin too.
Note to self:
We pray that you’ll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.
(Colossians 1:12 MSG)