I just received a package in the mail from a bereavement counselor I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. There are several brochures on grieving the loss of an infant, memorial ideas, and how to help other children through the loss of their sibling. I’m sitting here in my car in the parking lot of Greta’s dance class skimming through these brochures and had to put them away. That anyone should lose an infant, let alone myself, is just unbearably sad.
While I feel this tiny little person kicking around inside of me, it somehow seems wrong to be grieving his or her death. I don’t know that I’m ready to do that, but yet I want to be prepared and have funeral plans, etc. put into place should the need arise. I really don’t know what to do with all of this. I wonder, am I just avoiding this whole mess or am I staying so focused on God and the present? By making preparations for this baby’s death, does that somehow discount my faith in a miracle?
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the pain you have expererienced. Your brave, honest writings are going to really minister those who are hurting and struggle with not understanding the why’s too.
No Aleisa – you have to go through each step and process it in the way that you can. You will be as prepared as you can be for whatever the outcome of this tiny little miracle. It will give you a a tiny sense of some control. You are doing everything right. I am in awe of you and William – I love you so much!
Don’t forget the Santorum’s Bella. They were told the same things you are hearing. They’ve had her for four years! Whether it’s only those kicks in the womb, or three minutes, or 27 days, 5 months, 8years or 3 decades, just enjoy this baby’s life while you have it. There will be time to grieve later. Let friends/ family deal with the yucky details of “just in case” as much as possible. That’s just my opinion of course – I’m no expert. As Brenda said “you are doing everything right”. If anything I or anyone else “advises” doesn’t help, toss it right out the window lol! Thanks so much for writing your way through this. You may never know who you help and how, but God does.
Remember? One day at a time. You will be ready to do that stuff when you’re ready. Not that you’ll ever *really* be ready, but you didn’t want to do those thousand loads of laundry the other day either, right? You did it when you were ready to do it. You just got a wild hair and did it! Things will fall into place and youll look back on it all someday and think, “how did i do that?” I so agree that you can’t possibly grieve loss of this baby, take this life for what it is, a GIFT from God!