I’ve been thinking lots about the indeterminate loss of this baby versus the sacrifice that was made in parting with my first born. There is definitely a congruity that can be drawn between the two scenarios.
As in making an adoption plan, I have prepared myself for our possible worst case scenario of going home without a baby. I guess the big difference is that I don’t feel like I really have a choice this time. In an adoption, I at least knew in the back of my mind that I could reverse my decision at any time before I signed the papers. Not that I WOULD HAVE, but that just seemed to give me a sense of control over everything.
The beautiful similarity is this: If I were considering adoption right now, and I were going through the piles of adoptive family profiles that are typically given to a prospective birth mother, and I came across God’s profile, how could I possibly pass it by? Maybe it would say something like this:
I’m so sorry for the burden that has been placed on your heart right now. I know that pain intimately and you are not alone in it. I would love to take the pain away from you right now, but I promise you there are beautiful things to come as a result of this pain you are enduring. I will walk with you through it and I will hold you up when you can’t walk on your own.
For reasons unknown to you right now, this tiny baby is not able to be a part of your family as you know it and as you had expected. I know that wounds you deeply, but I also know that you want the absolute best for your little one. You can rest easy in knowing that I can provide that in more ways than you could ever possibly fathom.
Life for you on earth, as you know by now, will be speckled and marred with hardships, even though that was not my original intent for you. The same would hold true for your precious baby if he or she were to come live on this earth with you. What would you say if I could guarantee you that your child would never ever have to face any of these hardships and trials of life? He or she will be destined to paradise, forever in the arms of his or her heavenly Daddy and surrounded by hosts of angels. There are no tears, pain or suffering here. Not even a little bit.
I’d love to say you could come and visit when ever you like, but you will someday see that what seems like “forever” to you now is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. Before you even realized what happened, you will be reunited with your sweet precious little one. I think you already know what that is like, as I gave you a glimpse of that here on earth with your first born. Imagine having another one of those reunions, but this time it will be in my Heavenly Kingdom!
Please don’t worry about what the future holds for you or for your baby. I promise you it is going to be beautiful in the end. Just as you carry this baby, I will carry you.
There is no question. Perhaps this baby is THAT special, that no, William and I are not fit to be his or her parents. Only God can fulfill that duty. While there are times that I feel uncomfortable with the lack of control I have here, I am learning more and more every day to release all that I want and think I need to control, and surrender it to God. He knows what is best for us better than we do. Can I just trust Him? Yes.