We spent a bit of the afternoon enjoying a day on loan from Spring. Greta and I decorated the driveway with
sidewalk driveway chalk and swung on the backyard swings. I sat back and relaxed, watching as Greta rode her bike around the driveway and danced with her shadow. It was a typical day of “superficial ordinary”, where everything seems normal on the outside. Some days this is wonderful. I enjoy being able to blend in and have some sense of “regular” (really, what ever that even is?). There are moments that slip by that I’m able to forget the sadness I carry around inside of me. I’m able to smile and laugh just like I used to.
Then there are other days that “superficial ordinary” doesn’t come so easy. The effort feels forced and unnatural. I’d rather be in my bed wallowing in my familiar state of malaise. I’m not in the impossible depths of despair nor am I at the peak of mental prosperity. These are the many days that I simply “manage”. Were I to get out or off of my bed, I may as well be walking in circles. Not for the lack of things to do! I just feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what to do but wait. I refuse to dwell on the uncertain future and can’t plan for it either. It’s such a strange surreal place to be. But through it all, I’m surrounded by the sweetest little family that ever was.
It would be impossible to go to bed feeling sad and lost after discovering a note on my pillow that says, “I love you” along with one of her “bees”. Thank you, God for sweet Greta.