As I was clipping coupons yesterday morning, I noticed with a subtle sense of foreboding that some of them expired in May. May… How time could have the audacity to exist past April seemed so insensitive. I remember wanting to get through the next four months as quickly as possible. Now that they’re half way over, I feel like they’re slipping away faster than I can comprehend.
The plan is that Nora will arrive in April, just around the corner. While I remain focused on God, I am able to remain relatively at peace with this proposed occurence of uncertainty. I recognize and trust fully in the knowledge that God has a plan for Nora, a plan for me, a plan for our family. The human aspect of my being is simply afraid. I’m obviously afraid of losing Nora, but truth be told, I’m also afraid that she will live. I’m afraid of all of the challenges she will face. The challenges that I, as her primary care taker, will ultimately be responsible for. It’s not that I am not up for the challenge or not willing to go the extra hundreds of miles. I’m fearful of my inexperience. I am a quirky artist with a frenzied temper, easily distracted and completely illiterate in the medical field. I know how to administer Children’s Tylenol and put on a Band-Aid – that’s about it. (Administering Delysum is up for debate as is noted in a recent telephone call to the Poison Control Center). Of course Rick Santorum’s daughter is almost 4 years old, having overcome all of her obstacles associated with T18. I’d have to assume this is largely in part because Karen Santorum is/was a NICU nurse. Throughout Bella’s life her mother has known exactly who, what, where, when, why and how. Me? Not so much. My lack of knowledge and experience should be a great cause for concern! But maybe in the way that God prepared Karen Santorum, he has also prepared me. I just don’t realize it as it’s not so obvious.
These are merely fruitless worries and not full blown episodes of anxiety, thank God. I continue to trust that God will equip us with the tools to make it through each day just as he has done every day since the 9th of January. At the end of the day, I’m still human, still susceptible to intermittent bouts of misgivings, yet still human to make the conscious decision not to let them consume me.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
– Matthew 6:34
And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
– Philippians 4:19