I’m writing to ask for prayer and to let you know what is going on. It’s also a feeble attempt to get this crushing weight off my shoulders.
We went for the follow up appointment with the cardiologist yesterday, as I had mentioned. Both William and I were optimistic about the appointment. We were actually excited to be told how well sweet Nora is doing – come back in a few months, or so we thought.
As I understand it – the way that Nora’s little heart is operating is doing harm to her lungs. She will need surgery sooner than later to prevent any irreversible damage to her lungs- if that hasn’t been done already. She may or may not be a candidate for heart surgery. In order to determine if she is, she will need to undergo extensive testing on her other vital organs. If there is anything else not functioning properly, she is not a candidate for heart surgery. Even if she is a candidate, and she does get her VSD and ASDs repaired, it’s no guarantee that her blood flow will reroute the way it’s supposed to go. The lung damage will continue. She will never be eligible for a lung transplant. We are supposed to go back in a couple of weeks for another appointment to see if further testing is even an option.
I feel like I am suspended in the air by a flimsy fraying thread over a sharpened sword. The thread threatens to snap any second. It’s so against everything I know to be true about our amazing God. He’s not just going reach down with a pair of scissors and cut the thread, or give it a quick flick. His hand is right beneath us ready to catch us and hold us closely to Him. I KNOW that, I TRUST that and I BELIEVE that, but His merciful hand slips out of view here and there. All I see is that sword and it scares the hell out of me.
I can’t even begin to express the amount of love that I have for this precious baby that stares back at me in wonderment with her big blue eyes. She coos at me, having no idea there is anything wrong with her. It rips me to shreds to imagine life without her.
Here are pictures I had taken yesterday which I had hoped to use in a typical cute, light hearted post about how fabulous the appointment went. They’re still cute even through my tears.
From a text I received this morning:
“He who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.” (Psalm 32:10)
At times, God required a season of waiting before He sends His blessing. Then trust becomes your greatest asset. If we don’t trust God w/our need, we will cry out in fear and panic. At one point during a storm on the Sea of Galilee, the disciples thought they would perish. Jesus commanded the wind and waves to be still. He taught the men how to trust Him even in the most tempestuous of circumstances, and He IS teaching you to watch and wait for His outstretched arms.
I need to keep reading that over and over and over today. Please, God, have mercy on us!!!!