It wasn’t the best of days. I found myself a little more fragile and high-strung than I had set out to be. It seemed like everywhere I went today there was a new baby unwittingly flaunted in front of me. The disgruntled newborn in Target this evening nearly sent me over the edge. It was that distinct cry of an infant… only days, maybe weeks old. The tears involuntarily welled up in my eyes as I quickened my pace away from the sound and frantically tried to remember what I had even come there for. The new layout of the store wasn’t making things any easier on me as I accidentally wound up in a maze of bottles and receiving blankets… cute little pink booties and baby rattles sneered at me. Is this how it’s going to be? Am I just a time bomb ready to detonate at any given second?
I’m not angry or envious of the people with babies! I am genuinely happy and excited for them. But I do have to admit that it is really hard for me to be around newborns right now and I anticipate that it will be for some time to come. There is just something about that sweet bundle of innocence, that precious newborn cry that poignantly reacts with my maternal deprivation of a “normal” healthy baby. I have control of very little right now, add to that my response to being around newborns. Not that it is anyone’s fault or that I expect people to stop having babies and bringing them out in public! It is my irrepressible response that I’m uncomfortable with – nothing against the babies or parents themselves.
Nora’s heartbeat teddy bear
Despite my inner turmoil, I continue to sustain a thankful heart. I’m thankful that God made Nora at all! How could she exist in eternity if she never existed here on earth? I’m thankful that I will get to see her there someday, if her time with us here is short. During my period of waiting, I am reminded to be thankful in all circumstances (even if it involves barking dogs while I’m trying to sleep!): “Rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I find that the gratitude in my heart strangles out the anger, fear and pain that creeps in. There is just no room for it. As I type these words a sense of peace quenches my soul, proof to me of God’s true love.