We saw our doctor again today.  At our last meeting he presented us with our options:  to continue the pregnancy or terminate.  Not wanting to sway us one way or the other, he implied that 50% of people chose to continue, 50% chose to terminate.  This was OUR decision and we needed to figure out what was right for US.  He gave us a few days to think it over and now we were reporting back to him.  Fortunately, he had the compassion and flexibility to be able to see us after regular business hours.  I really appreciated that.

While initially, it seemed like the most reasonable thing to do would be to “get this over with” and terminate the pregnancy, that notion quickly faded after about the third day.  My initial argument of, “What difference does it make?  The outcomes will most likely be the same – this baby will just die sooner rather than later,” was made null and void by a statement from my friend Maggie.  She made the point, “Couldn’t the same be said of all of us?  We’re ALL going to die sooner or later!”  She’s right, and I KNOW this, but just needed that gentle reminder amidst my flurry of chaos.  Just goes to show that you should never make a decision out of emotion — no matter what it is.

I explained this to Dr. S. and I watched his face soften as I told him we had decided to continue the pregnancy.  He sat there for a moment with a slight smile on his face and then said, “I’m proud of you.  I’ll be honest with you that most people actually do choose to terminate.  I think you’re doing the right thing.”

This is not an easy road to take, but I believe that God will first give us the strength needed to make it through, and then He will bless us beyond our wildest dreams.  I’ve read several Legacy pages of infants born with T18, and the common theme among all of them is what a blessing these babies are in the lives of their families.  Not one of these families would rewind time to change a thing other than they wish they hadn’t worried so much.

Each night before we go to bed, we thank God for giving us the strength and peace to have made it through another day.  Each morning we ask for more, and He pours it out to us generously.

I found this song by Selah called “I Will Carry You” (for which this blog was named after)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I’m brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life 
And I will praise the one who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the one who’s chosen me
To carry you 

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While I have made the decision to carry this baby while her (or his) heart beats here, God is carrying me with the same tenderness and love x infinity.