June 2

I sat out on the front porch stoop this evening and watched the billowy clouds well up with magnificent pinks and oranges. I leaned back onto the door, inhaling and exhaling as the lively pink disappeared. The day was over and gone. June 2nd was Nora’s last sunset before her own little life ended just an hour and a half past midnight, officially June 3rd.

In a sense, the June 2nds are worse than the June 3rds. Try as I might to forget, I am still very much aware of everything we were faced with on June 2nd, 2014. The dull ache that feels lodged between my lungs and constricts my heart was born that night. It was as if someone had cut me open and poured large rocks into my chest, sewed me back up and sent me off on my way to try and make the best of things. Couldn’t breathe, everything ached, physically and emotionally. It was hard to even get up. The leading up to that new state of being is painful.

Eventually I’ve adapted to the discomfort, the inconvenience, the unpredictability and the complexity. I gradually built new muscles to endure the weight. And now here I am these 10 years later, chest still filled with the proverbial rocks and gravel. It’s not any lighter, easier or comfortable — but it’s familiar. I know it well.

Ten years ago sounds absolutely absurd because the pain is still so fresh. Certainly it would have diminished more than this by now?! But I don’t wish it away either. It’s all I have left. The weight of grief replaces the weight of her chubby little body in my arms. I’ll carry it with endurance, with hope and with honor because I loved her and I always will.

June 3

Greta and I paid a visit to the cemetery this afternoon. It made us giggle to see that someone had placed “Nora” in a nest and then placed it in the heart of her headstone.

She certainly loved her “nest” while she was here. Such sweet imagery! Thank you to whoever did that! And her headstone was all polished and clean. Thank you so very much for that as well. It makes my heart feel so full to know that Nora is still loved and thought of all these years later by others as well.

Much love to all! – Aleisa