Company in the Void

A deep aching void has been etched into my soul; the space that used to be filled with squeals and happy babbling, the sweet smell of baby skin, soft fuzzy hair — now a vacuum. There is no one and nothing that can fully replenish that emptiness, but sometimes it’s just nice to have company there.

On December 31, 2014 a couple of completely adorable and very identical twin baby boys were born, Ari & Ezra. Their Mom, Melanie is the über talented photographer that captured the emotionally captivating shots of Nora’s birth. {I hate to keep referring to her just as “Nora’s birth photographer” because she is really so much more than that.}. Adjusting to life with two new babies was difficult enough without a frightening bout of RSV that landed one and then both of the babies in the NICU when they were just a couple weeks old. Mixed in to this chaos back at home were also a 5 year old sister, Nori, and a super-mega-high energy 3 year old brother named Nico. When they were all finally back home and under the same roof it wasn’t enough to just bring them dinner. I got that “nudge” to get up off my butt and go help them.

Before Nora was born, and we had no idea what to expect from one day to the next, Melanie had written to me by email. She heard about our situation through her high school friend — my sister Emily. Melanie offered to take the birth photos, which might be the only photos of our baby. I was extremely touched that Melanie was willing to get so close to what MIGHT be a very sad and somber occasion. When she had written to me, she was only 3 months removed from the tragic loss of her sister, Ali.

After Nora scampered off to heaven, two full years later, it should have come as no surprise that the very first grave plot we were shown was literally in arm’s reach of Ali’s earthly resting spot. I had had NO IDEA where Ali was buried until that moment — and about flipped my lid when I figured it out!!! Incredible Godwink, and such a consolation. It was as if God were reminding us that none of this was “by chance”.

After Ari & Ezra were back to health I offered to come over imposed my extra set of empty hands and arms on Melanie and her sweet “Bigs” and “Littles”. There’s no way to fully fill the void of my loss, but it’s been nice to have the company of these precious little bundles in it, and the comic relief of sweet Nori & Nico, and the friendship of their dear mama.

I was delighted to brush up on my baff giving skillz each week. How precious to watch their scrawny little bodies ease into a state of delerious tranquility as the warmth of the water cascaded over their soft baby skin. Each week they got bigger and chunkier, now almost busting out of the sink. All the chins and rolls present a bit more of a challenge. Melanie warned me that there might be “cream cheese” growing in the depths of those rolls! 😂

Gavin & Greta got to come with me one day and in the words of Greta, “It sure felt good to hold a baby again!”

And how sweet to watch my “big tough” 11 year old boy respond to these baby guys with such gentle awe. This precious interaction was restorative to his soul as well.

I know full well I could never ever, even remotely, fill or take Ali’s space. But I also know that if Ali were still physically here on this earth that she would be over at that house every possible second. I’m not a replacement, not a substitute – maybe I’m just company in the void too.

Getting SO big!!!!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
(‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1‬:‭3-4‬ NIV)

2 thoughts on “Company in the Void

  1. You always touch my soul with your writing and make me reflect on God’s message that sometimes we miss.

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