“It’s 5:52 AM. You have this whole day in front of you. I wonder if something bad is going to happen today?” Satan chides.
I pull the covers up over my ears and try my best to ignore his evil sarcasm.
“Remember how easy everything used to be? Everything is pretty much a mess for you now. That little baby is on a timer. Aren’t you scared that one day just out of the blue time is going to be up? You should really think about that and fear that. Let that really sink in and make your life miserable with anxiety. Whew, does it suck to be you! Ever stop to wonder why God would do something like this to you, and to your husband and your other sweet kids? What kind of loving God inflicts this fear and pain and anxiety on his so-called beloved children? You can’t be expected to handle something like this. Before long you are going to snap and crack under the pressure of it all. Everyone is just watching and waiting for it to happen. You want to know what’s funny? What is funny is you can’t escape from any of this. You are stuck here in your miserable existence. It’s only going to get worse. You have every right to be pissed off at the world and especially at God.”
These are lies. I know that, but they sting and they wound me. Tears well up in my eyes. “God I trust YOU. Please help me!!!!!” I am silently screaming in anguish.
His presence is not immediate and obvious. It is a barely discernable whisper, but it is enough to put the strength back in my soul and to give me the power to get out of bed, placing one foot in front of the other. He further reveals Himself through a spontaneous hug from my sweet husband. My daily routine begins and it isn’t so bad as Satan tried to imply. I feel outwardly better, but traces of fear, sadness, uncertainty, and anger remain manifested beneath my unstable facade. As the sun purposefully migrates across the sky I sigh with relief. Satan’s malicious confabulation has gone silent, inaudible through the powerful wings of protection wrapped tightly around me. “You are part of something amazing,” God explains without words, “This is bigger, greater and more beautiful than you could ever, ever imagine. I give you glimpses of it from time to time, but someday I will show it to you in its entirety. Then this will all make sense. I chose you for this incredible, important task. I gave you your talent for writing long before you ever knew its purpose. The only thing that Satan is right about is that you cannot handle this on your own. Stay connected to me. I will give you strength, endurance, courage and protection. Lean on me, tap into my great power. Be reminded of my profound nearness in the air you breathe, the beauty of nature, the three birds, through the love of your family and the others I have placed in your life to be My hands and feet. Soak it in and accept it with gratitude.
You worry about how long Nora will be with you, but she is no different than anyone else you love. Only I know the number of each of your days. Not one person on this earth is GUARANTEED a tomorrow, including you! Enjoy what you have in the present moment. Your perceived “worse case scenario” of death will surely not seem as such from the other side in the heavenly realms. You only fear it because it is unknown to you in your human-ness. It is unseen to you, but it is very, very real. Trust Me on this!”
I am consoled.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
(Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV)
This evening we had a special delivery!!