It’s Nora’s Hundredth Day–a day we never even imagined. I’m happy and thankful for that, but I’m inclined to blame my dour mood on the miserable cocktail of hormones, gloomy weather and lack of sleep. Not to mention that Nora started the day off with another lengthy crying jag. It’s frustrating enough with a normal baby, but add to that “everything else that might be wrong” spinning through my mind. I hate to think of her in any pain, even if it is just gas pains.
If anyone can console this baby girl, it is her Nana. My Mom. My Mommy. My “Bobbity” (a nickname that evolved while trying to say “Mommy” with a stuffy nose… we think?) It was the same with me when I was just little. There was nothing and no one who could comfort me like my Mom. Her loving touches and her sweet soothing voice were magic. Nora, a part of me, would of course naturally find the same comfort from her.
And while my Mom takes care of Nora, I have my sweet Dad taking care of me like I’m still his little girl. He’s made me breakfasts, lunches and dinners and I love that he even cuts my meat up for me. He makes me feel safe and protected… blessed. I’m blessed that I don’t have any trouble regarding God as a Heavenly FATHER capable of keeping me safe and protected… and blessing me. I know what it’s like to be loved by a Father. My Dad. My Daddy. It makes me wonder why I was in such a hurry to grow up. I’d give anything to go back to those days.
Nora spent her morning nap in her stroller on a 4 mile walk with her Muthr. I didn’t realize how far we’d gone until I mapped it out on my phone when we got back. I was in such a mood that I could have just kept walking and walking forever – trying to get to the end of time were it possible.
I walked to the end of Island 8 and back, across the Kissing Bridge over to Hill Island, and half way down Hill Island to the house we had previously rented for our vacations 4 years in a row. It is no longer being rented out and is currently on the market. Nora stayed asleep as I rattled the stroller down the gravel driveway. The house seemed unoccupied, so we continued on into the backyard. I stood there in the corner of the yard with a pang of sadness as I recalled so many memories. This house that had seemed like “ours” for so many years seemed suddenly cold and unwelcoming against its will. I grabbed a small pink rock and put it in my pocket before we rattled back up the driveway and back toward Island 8.
On our way back across the Kissing Bridge I stopped to gently kiss Nora’s sweet little forehead.
I got emotional today as I tortured myself with the fear of what next year’s Michigan trip would look like, if there was one. Would Nora be with us, I wondered? That’s where it started and gradually smoldered from there. I started feeling sorry for myself and angry at God as if though I were somehow the first and only person ever to be faced with potentially tragic circumstances. I already know the answer, yet still demand to know how God could have done this to us, and why couldn’t she just be “normal”? Things would be so much easier!!!
“I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it. I’m with you,” echoed in my sad thoughts, “Stop worrying! I’ve got this!!”
Images of the crowd of people who had come to pray in my front yard. Countless trios of birds. Rainbows. Strangers who are now friends. Changed lives. My own reinforced relationship with God, my hubzbind, kids and family.
I KNOW… I KNOW… But it’s still so hard!!!!!! I DO trust that God is hard at work, doing something awesome, but at the same time, I’m human. I’m selfish, and I want things neat, tidy, and happy. With a sprinkling of happy moments throughout the days, the underlying uncertainty and sadness lurks. It’s warm and sunny toward the surface of the water, but on the days that I start to go under, I feel the cold and the muck at the bottom. It’s all I can do to keep my feet from getting stuck, drowning.
I wasn’t able to post this at the end of the day yesterday night like I usually do. It wasn’t such a good night for Nora. She seems to be having more and more trouble eating. Each bottle guarantees at least an hour of crying, if she even takes the bottle at all. We decided it was best to head back home. I snuck into Gavin & Greta’s fort and kissed their sweet, warm cheeks, explaining that we had to go home with Nora. I managed to hold back the tears and played up the fact that they’d get to stay another day with Nana & Papa, even though it hurt so bad to say goodbye. The tears couldn’t be contained with the warm embrace of my Mom and Dad.
Thank you for everything, Mom & Dad. It was so nice to all be together this week. We did have a lot of fun despite some interludes of sadness on behalf of this baby girl. I’m sooooo glad we were able to make it up! To have Nora be a part of it this year meant the world! Sarah, Em & Josh, I’m sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye. Thanks, Dan for helping us load up the car. Take care of those big kids for us and have a safe trip back tomorrow. We love you allz!!
More pictures from yesterday, Nora’s 100 Day Birthday:
And now we’re headed home.
“Whoever listens to me will live in safety
and be at ease, without fear of harm.”
(Proverbs 1:33 NIV)