How quickly a 2 ½ hour crying jag can take everything I’ve been so thankful for and throw it right out the window… And how horrible and selfish that seems to me as I just typed it out.
Nora has a cold, which makes breathing and eating difficult. Sensing my anxiety I think is making things much worse for her. She cried so hard she turned blue. Her clogged tear duct isn’t getting any better either. A trip to the pediatrician was in order. After a lengthy listen to her lungs we were instructed to get an xray up the street at the Children’s Hospital outpatient center. It was to ensure there wasn’t something else serious going on. Fortunately we didn’t need to wait too terribly long for an answer and it was determined that there was no pneumonia – praise God!!!!
It’s been a very long day and I’m glad it has finally come to an end. I love this little girl beyond belief – but I needed a little break from her this evening. It was good to get away for a couple of hours to the back deck of a friends’s house for a girl’s get together.
As if a crabby, colicky baby isn’t trying in and of itself – we have this whole other cardiac, lung, trisomy 18 issue compounded into the mix. I spent a bulk of the day angry and frustrated with God, feeling alone and defeated. “Everyone else can have normal babies… Why do I have to deal with this??” “I can’t do this… This sucks…” “Why why why why why?????” … and on and on whined my spoiled inner-being.
Remember when I was so thankful just to be able to hear that first cry? Remember how exhilarating it was to be able to give her tiny little body a first bath? A first walk to the mailbox? And on and on and on… I have been more than beyond blessed and now here I am taking it all for granted and bitching about it.
I wish I had a better 3 month birthday to report, but it is what it is. I can only hope for a better tomorrow or pray that it is at least bearable. I told God today that I really could do without any more lessons in patience… but apparently He thinks otherwise. Please pray that sweet little Miss gets over her cold soon and that nothing else gets tracked in here.
Heard this song today for the first time as I was leaving the pediatrician’s office – made me WEEP…
As much as my human heart may lash out at God right now, my soul will forever give him thanks and praise.