I think back to this time last year, a time when I had another countdown ticking away in my head. How significant the month of April has become in my life. Last year, I eagerly awaited the meeting of my birth daughter! It was an event that I had dreamt of and imagined for 17 years leading up to that marvelous day. I remember how nervous I was, yet how blissfully happy and excited. And then finally came the moment that I got to see her, to hug her and release the tears of absolute euphoria that had been building up for so long! What a precious, incredible moment that was; one that I will never ever forget. I love that my dear, sweet husband was right there with me, just as enchanted as I was, as if she were his own birth daughter!
Here we are again, ardently awaiting another great meeting of monumental proportions. Most of the same emotions are present, except for maybe the blissful happiness at this point. A looming sorrow hangs in the balance, threatening to tip the scale in its favor. I don’t want to acknowledge it, but I know it’s there. The tests, the statistics, the studies, the stories, the pictures… They’re all hinting at the sadness. The potential of crippling grief will not deter me from finding joy in what ultimately is to come–no matter what the outcome is.
I awoke this morning from a dream in which I was holding Nora. This was the first time I’ve dreamt of holding her (that I can remember). As with all of my pregnancies, I logically know there is a baby in there, but it isn’t until I am actually holding that new little life that I really fully comprehend the great, unimaginable, unconditional love between a parent and child. There is nothing like it. That blinding love was right there in my dream. My cheek rested on her soft little head and all was right with the world in that very moment of blissful happiness.
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed (blissfully happy) when his glory is revealed.”
(1 Peter 4:12-13 NIV)